Cry.

“So cry… for you deserve to cry.” Epictetus

The more desperate you are to control what is beyond your power the more miserable you are going to be.  So keep it up if you really want to: try to make someone else stop drinking or drugging, try to make so-and-so love you, try to raise flawless children, try to control how your mother-in-law treats you, try to change the behavior of fill-in-the-blank who is by all accounts an unbalanced maniac, try to change reality by saying more and more desperate prayers, try to will yourself into being naturally smarter/more athletic/handsomer that you are, try to do this and try to do that, and try and try and try.

And when you are good and frustrated and burning with rage and overwhelmed by a tidal wave of self-hatred because you have in fact failed to control all of these and many more uncontrollable things (uncontrollable by tiny little you, in any case), find a comfortable place to sit down and bawl your eyes out in a state of abject misery, cursing the gods and the day you were  born.  And until you are ready to leave off trying to control what you can’t, until you are ready to turn your attention to the few things that you can control, repeat ad nauseam.  Cry; and you deserve to cry.

Acceptance is not the answer to all my problems today.  But when I encounter a person or a situation outside my power, I will cede the victory without ambition or sorrow.  I can’t control it so I will ignore it completely.  And entirely.  And guiltlessly.

Math and Lighthouses #129

I am most grateful for my math skills, with which I have made a living for a number of years .  And further, I have used these skills to make helpful contributions to charitable groups.

Looking over  my posts, however, it is clear that the Lists are not numbered in sequence.  This might suggest that I cannot even count, much less do more advanced mathematical operations.  From my perspective, however,  this seeming misnumbering does not matter in the least.  The real point here is to Be grateful today, and the mission is accomplished.  Each day is a new day, another chance to be grateful and cheerful and to play the game of life with good humor, sharing my goodness and enjoying the goodness and charm of all the people around me.  And the titles only distinguish one day’s writings from the others.   In fact, as a precursor to my period of sobriety with AA (which I pray will be the final period of sobriety), I began writing gratitude lists at the instigation of a close friend who understood my attraction to the pessimistic side of life.  So for many years already I had been getting these little notions of gratitude written down (with pen, pencil, crayon, typewriter, word processor, quill, etc.).  To say that I have written thousands would not be an exaggeration.  And, after all this time, the practice has made a measurable difference in my life, my outlook, my serenity.

Sobriety does not take place in one hour or one day.  There are signal moments, to be sure, but most of the work is daily.  The work is not necessarily exciting, but usually consists of the the  average, day-to-day, disciplined application of the same well-tested and useful principles.  Gratitude is one of most effective, and writing the lists are my way of putting this sound principle into practice.

So for today, I am most grateful for my skills, and my ability to know when numerical precision counts and when it is not the most important part of life.

Sun #108

After days of rain it is a spectacularly sunny morning.  Being under a hot bright sun in the middle of winter simply feels good.

I am grateful too for my sobriety.  More and more I find I cannot stay sober “by the way,” en-route to other objectives, but that I have to be very specific about keeping away from the thinking-problems that will get  me back in the bar.  This knowledge, that sobriety does not just drop into my lap, that sobriety is not something I can pick up at the market while racing from home to work to dinner to bed, is vital and I am grateful to have figured it out so early on in the process.

I am grateful for my friends in all their glory and confusion and troubles and charm;  for my sisters, two of the most astonishingly real people I have ever encountered; for my eyes and ears; that I can breath more easily now that I have taken a long, hard look at my resentments and fears and taken action to resolve them; that every day I am more committed to doing what is right and good and true; that everyday I fear less and love more; for my first two sponsors who helped me stay sober under very difficult circumstances.

And for all the other drunks who have given up booze and committed themselves to doing the work to remain well;  I am most grateful for your examples, your humor, your personalities, your ways of making it work!