I am working on my issues, my past boozing and what drove me to it, reading and studying, and putting into practice the serenity prayer if nothing else. But stressors put me over the edge. I swear a lot, growl, punch the wall (yeah but not so hard that I break either wall or bones), over eat, sleep restlessly, and grouch my way through the day making it impossible for anyone to reason with me.
The killer in this moment of sobriety is that I know that I AM MAKING MYSELF MISERABLE! Break the fucking habit how? There are a couple of guys writing blogs who spell out how much booze they drink and how they try to regulate it. Very entertaining reading, and they seem happier in their active alcoholism than I am in my sobriety. There’s no way that I am going back to drinking, and I don’t have a desire to do it. But WTF…
I am trying to do things in a new way, putting myself way outside of my comfort zone, not making cosmetic changes but substantial ones. Yet I am such a goddamn grouch in these days.
Categories: Alcoholism · Gratitude · Recovery · Sobriety
No man is miserable without his consent. So how have I given consent to being miserable today?
I am over 3 years sober, and so happy to be here. But in this moment I want to be boozed up, to just pass out, to be blotto, completely floating away on Cloud Numb, nowhere and anywhere, simply gone.
I do not want a beer. But I am an alcoholic, and the program needs working today, and I have not been working it. Rather, I have not been working the whole program lately, just parts of it. Here it is: I haven’t been to a meeting in months – because __________ (fill in any excuse here). I have never had a sponsee – I am just too damn afraid of the responsibility. I have gotten away from the gratitude lists which is the whole fucking point of this blog; and need to get back to them again. I don’t speak to other drunks at all, and this is really problematic. Yet, I am working other elements of the program just fine - never in my life have I had a better sense of the difference between what I can change and what I can’t, and I have lately had the courage to make big changes in my life. And my faith in the higher power has never been greater, even though I need constant care and attention in this area as well.
Today I will get back to business. No, no I probably won’t. Dammit all…
Categories: Alcoholism · Gratitude · Recovery · Sobriety
In these days I have been in a pretty ugly mood. Lots of frustration, dejection, worry and anxiety, troubles and problems.
I am an inventor, which is to say, I invent problems that don’t exist, and I have been working overtime in these days. I have allowed so many things to take hold in my mind, and they gnaw at my sense of security and peace. SO ENOUGH!
I am alive, and have a job, and friends. These are beautiful things, and I am blessed to have them. And I speak great English, a little bit of a few foreign languages, love to read and have lots of books, and these are wonderful things. I have enough food, a little car, paints for when I am feeling creative, and all of this is terrific. To top it all off, I am madly in love with my amazing girlfriend, and what could be better than finding the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. So no one has my joy today, only me, and excuse me but you will have to get your own. And it is pretty easy to do, just count your blessings.
Kind regards to all today!
Man Alive
Categories: Alcoholism · Gratitude · Recovery
