Cold St. Stephen’s Day

OK so it is the day after Xmas and some friends bought me a great little IKEA rocker.  It makes leaving the house difficult as it is the most comfortable chair I have ever sat it.  For their thoughtfulness, and for all this other stuff below, I am really feeling good today, so give thanks:

• for my wife, who loves me with all of my madness and defects adn who helps me stay sober in every sense of the word
• for my friends, who show me a lot of TLC especially in my worst moments
• that I ate a big dish of pasta with fish and veggies mixed in
• that I had a great 2009 – less fear, less anxiety, more risks and more joy
• for a new aquaintence who may turn out to be a friend

Above all, I am just delighted that I am sober; so if you want to take a drink today, maybe just put it off until tomorrow, which is all the rest of us drunks do.  You won’t regret leaving it behind for the next 24.

Man Alive and Sittin’ in a Fat Red Rocker

Christmas Day

“I saw three ships come sailing in on Christmas Day, on Christmas Day”

Some of my happiest memories are of sailing on my father’s boat, gliding over the water and being both directed by the wind but at the same time commanding it.

My emotional life has always been a bit stormy, but I now see it as a powerful force, even more powerful than the wind, that can propel me into moments of joy or through moments of difficulty.  But I  have to continue to learn how to command that power, and am learning to put it to work for me instead of against me.

So for all my emotions I am grateful, even when they overwhelm me a bit, and I am grateful for the following things in particular:

• I can be angry, and not feel guilty about it
• I can grieve, and not feel like I am less of a man
• I can laugh heartily at myself, and not get depressed about my weaknesses and silliness
• I can feel joy, and know that Jesus himself (and all the great old dead Greek philosophers!) felt it when he was in this world
• I continue to learn how to feel and enjoy my emotions, and have almost accepted that this process will take a lifetime rather than wanting to rush through it…

So Merry Christmas to all of you, may you stay sober for the next 24 hours, and bask in the joy that comes with knowing that God is with us!

Man Very Alive

winter weather

When I reflect on who I am (and I am trying to give up this retarded and useless pastime) adjectives that come to mind include: pampered, childish, spoiled, self-pitying, lazy, foolish, ad nauseam.  Like many people I am my own worst enemy and in fact can’t really say if these words apply to me or not, given my firm and fixed and complete bias against myself.

So that I am giving up the self-loathing I am really grateful, as I am for the following:

• it is almost Christmas which is a time of joy and peace
• a friend gave me a great DVD on the life of St. Francis, one of my heroes
• a few days ago we had snow
• never have I been happier than I am at this period of my life
• and most especially that I am changing the brutal internal dialogue inside my head, and have begun to live in peace with myself after four decades of civil war

For all this and so much else, thanks be to God and my amazing wife.

Happy 24 sober hours,

Man Alive